December 14, 2012

Well, friends, it really has been a long time. Maybe its the horrible news today, maybe its the very slightest feeling of wellness after 5 days of the worst stomach flu I have EVER had...whatever it is I am ready to write again. Perhaps its that I have had about 4 days in bed, doing nothing, and my mind has had the opportunity to stop running, and I have been able to snuggle my kids at will for as long as I want without having to worry about getting up and getting something done. Its been nice, and as the holiday approaches I plan on doing a lot more of it.

 Tonight I hear heartbreaking news from Connecticut. I am deeply saddened...I dont want to let myself go there... to that utter sadness at the very thought of an event that would rip my children from my arms forever... so instead we are on our 3rd Christmas movie and I am hugging my children whenever I please, and wrapping some presents. I suppose I could tell you what I have been up to and all my plans for the coming year (of which I have many) but instead I just want to tell you all (mostly my friends and family that read this) I love you VERY much. I hope this holiday brings friendship & family, warmth, compassion, reconciliation, love, love, and more love. It really shouldn't take the holiday to remind us of these things; we should endeavor to honor them all year round... but any opportunity to gather the best in ourselves and spread it around should be appreciated. If we dont see you in person please know we send our love!


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Have a happy holiday! Hug your loved ones!!

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June 3, 2012

Things have been SO busy for us these days. Derrick is consumed by his engineering courses, the end of the school year is approaching, and things are picking up at the winery so I am working a lot more too.  The upside of this is that it forces me to be much more organized and gives me little time to worry about things "working out" Every term is a juggling act for childcare and work hours, and arranging things just right so that kids are sent off to school and greeted by mom and dad or a family member when they get home. 

All I can say is I will be more than glad when he is done. I have put my photography on hold, professionally speaking, because I just don't have the time to devote to client expectations. I have been using this down period to do some serious planning for re-branding, more education, searching out a mentor, and hopefully an equipment upgrade (fingers crossed). Ever day I tick something off the list. Saturday it was take a self portrait. I dont have a professional portrait of myself and I am really vain picky, so I want it to be just so...

I set up the camera and metered the exposure and had Derrick snap a few pics. Parker really wanted to take some pictures as well, so I knelt down and she gave me direction (look this way, turn your head, etc)...she also snapped one of Derrick and I together.

When I uploaded all the pictures to my computer, hers were the ones that turned out best. Perhaps I have a budding photographer on my hands...

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In Derrick's defense, he did snap this one...I know...I shoulda done something different with my hair...

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She's a keeper!

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Finally I came across this quote...I am keeping it near and reading it daily


“Without leaps of imagination or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all is a form of planning.” -Gloria Steinem


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May 17, 2012

The real deal...

This is what I really want. I want to study, practice, study, and practice some more...I want to take my photography to the next level and refine my artistic vision...my personal style. I want to do this more than I want to be a P.A.

 *sigh*

That was hard to say. Its hard to admit that the career path you have been on isn't your passion ALTHOUGH I think its perfectly acceptable to make calculated career move in order to accomplish life goals...which is what I did when I embarked on an education in the medical industry.

But lately...I just want to be with my kids and take pictures...

THAT. IS. IT.

Be with my kids AND take pictures... pretty simple right? You are probably saying "duh! why dont you just do that then???" well Im getting there. I am starting to believe that I can accomplish the goal of putting my kids through college and padding my retirement nicely and still do something I am passionate about...but I know I gotta go all in and that is SCARY. And by all in I mean camera equipment, web page, legal contracts, promotional materials, image ordering, ORGANIZATION!!! etc etc etc

Which gets me to the point of this post. I really feel I could benefit from a mentorship and I have been eying this workshop for some time. I really want to do it!!!

I had already decided that once Derrick graduated from school I would buy a seat at her workshop, but now she is giving away a free seat...so I am entering, and blogging about it is part of the entry process BUT its also a way for me to put my intentions out into the universe.

I dont know why I have been so scared to do it...to tell people.

 Well...Now you know! So send me prayers, loving energy, good vibes like rainbow lasers and unicorns, good juju...WHATEVER!! send it my way! I need it :) SMOOOOCH!!

I am off to finalize party plans for a certain 4 yr old about to be 5!!

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haha! you thought this post was done...NOPE! for good measure I am throwing in a picture of my sweet son :)

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May 5, 2012

I just dont know...

I don't. I don't know when this journey is going to be over, and despite my best efforts I am not enjoying it. I know I will probably look back with fondness and say remember when?

Remember?

We lived in an impossibly small space, and the kids were always in bed with us, and our crap was piled up all over the place, and we were poor students, and we lived hand to mouth...

Remember?

Pft. I read all these blogs and its all sunshine and roses all the time as they DIY their new houses, and then here and there write a post about how things didn't go quite right with that chair they picked up of craigslist and it was an epic fail and blah blah blah, until I want to vomit a little in my mouth.

yeah. like that's a problem.

 I bet they didn't have to borrow money from their bestie in SD to get emergency dental work. I bet they didn't sell their car to pay tuition. I bet they don't wake up daily and WILL themselves to get up and try and function for the day...

Where am I going with all this? I don't know...I think I am just complaining...which is something they also don't do on their blogs...

Basically I am wondering when its not all going to feel like such a struggle...to get through the day...to just get to life.

Is this the cross I have to bear?

I know all of this sounds like I am REALLY unhappy, and I will admit that at times things are really UNPLEASANT her in Jana-ville, but I am pleased with myself and my life...I am certainly happy with my husband and kids...they are fantastic, and I have a wonderful marriage...it is strong and loving, and full of all kinds of good stuff...it also has its minor bumps, little fights, challenges and the occasional bickering...but thats how we hash things out...how we stay close...how we grow...we give each other enough room to be ourselves...

but I digress.

I used to really enjoy this blog. Its still my baby, but I just don't feel compelled to put anything out there very often. I am just out of energy.

I am also at a crossroads of sorts...trying to decide what path to take...praying really hard for peace, for an answer, for a real push in one direction or another...I even went as far as to say "dear God, if you make me pregnant than I will know I should just be a SAHM" That may not sound too silly until you consider that my tubes are tied...basically I am asking for a divine conception as a sign??? Now that I think about it, that could possibly be a sign that I should continue on with a career, since one more child would surely put me in the poor house.

I am changing. but I just don't know who I am going to end up being. Maybe that's why the whole blog posts have just dried up. The things I used to write about, interior design and such, just seem so trivial and inconsequential when on a daily basis I am thinking about how to afford tuition next term, where I am going to come up with rent, and praying not to get sick since I don't have any health insurance and apparently winning the Oregon Health Lottery isn't happening for me (yeah, they drop your name in a lottery...effing awesome...I could go years without insurance)

 This is where I remind myself that I chose this. I chose this path. I chose my life. I chose to go back to school. But deep down there is a part of me that wishes I had done all the foundation work for my life in my 20's when one is supposed to do those things. I just didn't know how to make good choices back then.

But don't cry for me Argentine.... tomorrow everything will be all roses and sunshine because that is the kind of emotional roller coaster I live on...thanks for coming along for the ride.

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April 23, 2012

This weekend was fantastic. The weather was finally sunny and warm.

I needed it really bad!

Derrick and I relaxed all day Sunday...we did hardly anything...well I did hardly anything. Derrick did homework. I was a little productive though. In the evening I got to take this pretty girls portrait.

Lucky me...she makes it easy

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sometimes taking portraits fills me with anxiety. I have high expectation for my finished product, so when I uploaded these and started editing...I was pretty pleased.

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April 19, 2012

because it goes by too fast...

I had the pleasure of capturing this sweet boy while he was in the NICU, and now that he is home I get to, once again, document his life. I am so excited to be able to do this. His mother is one of THE most fantastic women I know. She has known me since I was 18. She has seen me grow up...make dumb choices, fall down, pick myself up...and through it all she has remained a loyal and true friend. I admire her immensely. She has always had a level head and an adventurous spirit. She is simply a beautiful person.

Brooke, thank you for letting me fix my lens on your sweet baby boy, it is truly my honor and pleasure.

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April 18, 2012

making lemonade out of lemons

Well yesterday was a big ol dose of reality...not that I ever thought I was held up to some standard of perfection...but now you know the real truth, ha!

When you're given lemons, you gotta make lemonade...or squeeze it into a papercut if you just want to be miserable...I'm going to make lemonade 

I love my pinterest boards because it allows me to collect images of interiors I admire and save them for inspiration for that someday home. Well someday is likely a lot farther off than I ever thought. Derrick has another year of school and then I have another 2-3 years depending on the programs. By the time we get done we will have a hefty amount of student loan debt...looks like its rentals for us.

I think you can still make a rental look unique, although its harder here in Oregon if you live in the burbs where its all white walls and beige carpet...but I think it can still be done with pops of color in your furniture and accessories

such as a large painted piece. I especially love the aluminum stools

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These pink chairs add a fun pop of color, and a large chalk board could easily be made with a thin sheet of wood and some trim around it...you can hang it up in your apartment and take it when you leave :)

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here is a good example of layering neutrals and small bits of color

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and a final random...I wanna hang this on my wall...

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Notice how both the interiors (save for the chalkboard wall) have white walls...even apartments can be stylish! 

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